For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become on flesh. Genesis 2:24
I appreciated Pastor John’s message on marriage—Loves Big Challenges—over the weekend. Getting on stage with couples with 20-plus years of marriage was inspiring. There are many couples in my church that I admire; Pastor John and Phyllis are one. Why? Because I know the hard work they have put into it and I know who is in charge of it-God.
Just as God heals us individually, he can heal our marriages as well. In Celebrate Recovery (CR) we learn to work our individual programs first, focusing on healing from our hurts, habits and hang-ups. As God heals us individually we can bring a healthier self to the marriage table.
But the work that goes into healing broken relationships is very difficult. For Nan and me, it felt like we were starting over, and in many ways we were. I don’t know that Nan and I would ever want to go through that again; but, at the same time, we are grateful for the experience then and now. We are still learning, still growing, still being amazed by what God has done in our lives and in our family.
There is a lot to be said in 35 years of marriage, and 26 years of recovery, but let me focus on two areas:
- Control! When I quit trying to change Nan into what I thought she should be, Nan got healthier. It came down to this: If I trusted Jesus with my life why didn’t I trust him with Nan’s? Control is nasty business in a marriage. When I got out of the way and let God do his work, we both benefited.
- Learn to listen. I had a bad habit of controlling the conversation. The more I controlled the conversation, the more Nan retreated. To be blunt, I had to learn that there are times to shut up and listen. We learned some basic ground rules, which really helped in those early years, and we continue to use them today. Actually, I think Nan does better at this than I, but I’m getting there! Some of these communication boundaries are summed up in the following message (author unknown):
Listen
When I ask you to listen to me
and you start giving advice
you have not done what I’ve asked.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way,
you are trampling on my feelings.
When I ask you to listen to me
and you feel you have to do something to solve my problems,
You have failed me, strange as this may seem.
Listen! All I asked was that you listen
Not to talk or do—just hear me.
And I can do for myself; I’m not helpless.
When you do something for me that I can do and need to do
for myself, you contribute to my fear and weakness.
But when you accept as a simple fact that I do feel
what I feel, no matter how irrational, then I can quit trying to
convince you and get about the business of understanding
what’s behind this irrational feeling.
And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious, and I
don’t need advice. Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.
So please listen and just hear me. And, if you want to
talk, wait a minute for your turn; and I will listen to you.
My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry. James 1:18-20,
Have a great God filled week, and don’t forget to listen!
Dana
February 20-26, 2012
FRIDAY—Large group meeting and celebration night:
- 6pm: Join us for our world-famous chili cook-off. Bring your favorite chili and watch it disappear. Oh, I can taste it now! Great fellowship, great food.
- 7 pm: Join us for uplifting worship and praises to God as we celebrate the recovery miracle in people’s lives.
- 8 pm: Small groups
- 9 pm: Solid Rock Café
TUESDAY: CR continues to carry the recovery message to the 137 Homeless Connection. Our team of four could use some help as they cook, serve a meal, and lead a meeting every Tuesday night. Just contact Dana and we will get you plugged in. One Tuesday a month sure would help.
We have openings for Testimonies on March 9 and 23. Let Dana know and he we will get you plugged in.